2023-08-05: our lives played out and not together

last night's dream strange. i'm in an office building. i have a folded piece of paper in my hands. i don't read it, but i know what it says: i'm ready to talk to you again.

my dream-self at odds with my conscious self. the addressee and i haven't spoken this millennium, && in that time corresponded only twice, neither of these initiated by me. early social media. never unfriendly, but. the past is fixed, and while i wish they could have known me at a better time, while i wish i could have been better for them — that world is long since gone.

our lives played out, and not together: no subconscious trickery, no dream-note can change what happened, reverse how we came apart, the circumstances and the feeling. what's said (heard later) hurts and lingers. what's said remains. lies dormant in the neurons. waiting for a moment, for its sudden activation.

&& stays with me. always. its presence felt, it never leaves.