2024-01-31: ghosts

i sometimes wonder how i've lost contact with so many people after we started & finished school, became adults, and moved into the rest of our lives. is the answer in the question? it's hard to keep up with people, intentionally and often, in the way it takes to sustain a friendship in the long term. my partner's got a few very close friends. i have fewer, something that's always seemed like a present concern for her. if it weren't for her, i'd mostly keep to myself; i get together with people occasionally, coffee, or drinks, but mostly stick to my things. i write. i play my music. like most of us i exist as a ghostly presence today's strange web.

my memory isn't as sharp as it used to be, but things still stick in it. tonight i got thinking about an old friend, one who was good to me, and for me, in a way i didn't understand at seventeen. i remembered her lj username, so i looked her up: the nickname still in use, reddit, insta, etc. we are all creatures of habit. a good name is hard to lose. traces all over the web, unseen by me for decades because of the way we slipped out of each other's lives.

i wonder if it's the same for others and me, if my name comes back suddenly. an old username remembered. or just name & location. what comes up. i wonder how he's doing. i wonder if he ever thinks of —