2024-04-30: "you need more adversity"

the last couple years have been strange. a whole lifetime of not-really-dreaming, or not-remembering-my-dreaming, and then a steady diet of remembered and sometimes extremely vivid dreams.

last night, i'm back in my hometown. i'm sitting next to my ex's sister. i haven't really thought of her in almost three decades. she was a bit older than me. smart. kind. i remember one day, after the relationship had ended, standing at the bus stop. she was there. we talked for a few minutes. i remember she started the conversation. i was painfully shy then. i don't think we'd ever talked otherwise, and haven't since.

in the dream: she looks over at me (her face is wrong — i know this while i'm dreaming — but also while dreaming i know this is a dream). she says, "you need more adversity."

i wake up. my morning alarm. this sticks with me all day. i go for a run, and run hard. by the time i get back the dogs are panting and my legs are screaming. i have a cold shower. i can still hear her speaking to me.

after work, before i head up to feed the dogs their supper, i grab my tarot deck, shuffle it, spread the cards in one quick sweep. i draw a tucked-in card. the 7 of wands. instability, struggle, defense. what happened, happened. but i'm still here, still standing, & i'll keep fighting so the worst part of my life doesn't creep in on the best.