it's hard to get up in the morning and face day after day where bad people make bad things happen and there are no consequences, hard to find the will to participate in the society that enriches them and emboldens them. i want bad things to happen to bad people. i want them to fuck off forever, & to leave good people alone.
i want to hang out with old friends who are not here (geographically), who are not here (physically on this earth anymore); i have this deep longing to retreat to some approximation of the younger version of myself, who planned and tried and failed, but still had big dreams. because i still have big dreams, but they're dimming, necessarily the case when every day is a struggle to maneuver through, and where sleep lets me visit those who've slipped away, in some form or another. we never talk, because they're only dreams. but being able to look at someone again, remember what it was that made them special: that's worth something. some days it feels like one of the few good things i get to feel.
if you're struggling, i see you. if things feel grim, i feel you. it's not just you. you're not alone.